Day One

Here we go, the first post in yet another mental health blog and I have no idea what I’m doing, truly.

To start, I’m a 39 year old female (married) who has a child with special needs and a hefty dose of Bipolar I, rapid cycling, usually mixed, with psychotic features, along with secondary PTSD and general anxiety.  Yep, all those words.  All of this was untreated or mistreated, and worsening for over 25 years plus noted mood issues in childhood.  Well, until I broke.

During this untreated broken time….
I believed I was the sexiest woman ever who was the queen of sex and all people wanted me… at 248lb
I believed that a child lived inside my brain that tried to take over.
I got my husband into BDSM with me both as a submissive and/or ddlg (see child living in brain reference above) just so I could feel something other than my body in a never-ending flux.

Before the beak I had periods of months, years, skittering on the surface in manic paradise.  I was super productive (hypomania) for months on end.  For example, for two years in a row, I put on galas, with minimal help, and minimal sleep; after which I would sink into a rare depression.   To be honest, the depression felt lovely in comparison with getting slammed with dysphoric mania and sent into a world of pain.  (Depression isn’t one of my brain’s go-to’s, it’s usually mania or mixed, sometimes not.)

Then I got worse.  We had to leave two homes due to toxic mold behind drywall.  We had to throw away all our things and move from place to place until we found a new home.  Until the final break, my daughter was bitten by a dog, in front of me, her left face torn, resulting in 100 stitches and lots of silicone scar therapy (they’re barely visible now).  I am proud to say I have no shame in any of my actions that day, or in regards to her bite in general, but I never came back from it.     

A month later I went off all of my meds that weren’t thyroid or Xanax.  About 6 different meds.  I had a very hard time when they wanted me on meds for my bipolar and held out for months.  I wish I hadn’t.

I agreed to started meds a year and a bit ago, Lamictal & Seroquel.  These were both slowly upped until they landed at 400 for about 7 months.  Then a big mixed manic episode with psychosis in June/July sent my Seroquel up to 700/day.  About a month after that I met lithium.   Every time it goes up, I feel more in tune with my brain and in better harmony with my body.  At this point, I’m waiting until we can get to my full dosage, but I’m no longer filled with desperation.  I am coming out of the whirlwind and have decided to try sharing my experience, research, and the like.

 

Nice to meet you. 🙂

One thought on “Day One

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