I allowed myself a few things today that I haven’t in a long time, with mixed responses.
I’ve read books, articles, medical studies, and more; all in the search of how to live best with this condition. The message is the same throughout: live a little life. Keep to a routine. Avoid triggers. and others I’ll talk about in future posts. My emotions are pretty sensory, if I feel it in my head it’s a good bet that it’s all over my skin, or in my gut, things like that. One of the things that can trigger that out is music. There’s an emotional power in music that other forms of communication can’t quite grasp. It goes an extra step when I listen to music in English I get emotionally triggered by music with depth and/or lyrics that hit home. Even before the big break I was one of those people that cried at any good music. A note, a song, if it was well done I cried. I get it from my Dad. anyways…
Once I had my pscyhotic break this tendency went into hyperdrive. I could wind up in my closet crying and wrapping myself up in a towel if I didn’t stop it. My husband, the unicorn, started my interest in K-Pop, BigBang specifically, and it saved me. Nearly all of their music, even sad songs, have a lifting quality and, with the lyrics in subtitles or simply another language, I didn’t get triggered out.
I had a lot of trouble feeling like I was going to burst out of my skin and hot baths helped. I would lay in the bathtub for anywhere from 30min to an hour, watching the music videos, variety shows, studio production videos, all of it. They and a couple other groups I found were all that I listened to for months. I had delusions they were all my brothers , or protectors, something that helped to make me feel secure. Thankfully that had dissipated as my medications increased, but my need for that music continued for a long time.
Then I stopped. I entered a mixed episode 6 months ago and whenever I head any music psychosis would set in. It hurt so much that I stopped listening to music in any real way until a couple days ago. The last two days were minimal, we had things to do, places to go, birthday songs to sing. However, today I was in the car for hours, meeting an old friend from Uni who had come to town. It started fine, an hour there, 20min while we drove to lunch, and then an hour home. I actually got him hooked with videos while we drove, WIN!
Unfortunately it was that ride home that did it. I was already feeling off with a busy weekend and a bit more disrupting my routine, but I still listened. My skin went fluxy, (feeling like it was crawling) my paranoia kicked in a bit, my brain started heading into territory I’m not yet comfortable with, and I stopped listening.
Now my brain is going nuts, no amount of meditation practice kept the thoughts passing by instead of staying for a chat. For some reason they always want to hang out in the anxiety center of doom. All the self-recrimination started flowing: Should I change my diet back? (future post), should I do this? that? Gah! I’m clearly headed into an episode, oh no!!
Thankfully all of this dissipated after getting home and doing nothing for a few hours.
In my continued attempts to lead a ‘normal’ life I decided to let this rest for the night and see how I do in the morning. Here’s hoping!