Today was a discouraging day in the end. I went to Lululemon with my freshly minted gift card. In the past going to Lulu was a treat, they had all these clothes that hid everything. I wore my size 12 groove pants throughout my pregnancy, weight gain, weight loss until I had to go down a size, all of it. While I was pregnant, I found a post on their site by their CEO, saying that she only wants to make clothing that will survive maternity use. My beautiful, wonderful Lulu. That’s had a few CEO changes since then. I should have known.
Enter today. I had to use the restroom, but it was halfway down the mall, and I thought I’d be fast, so no flexing.. Second, I’ve spent the month of December eating more carbohydrates than usual, and I admit to some bloat. I knew both of these things, but my experience was so much worse. One wall had a tri-mirror, the opposite wall, 4′ ‘away, was a regular mirror. When you put things on you immediately see where your fat hangs over, belly spilling out & swollen underneath from a full bladder. This is not the best feeling, and then it got worse. I looked at my legs, I only have one bump on my upper thigh from a tumble onto a jump when riding a horse. It’s barely noticeable unless you’re looking, but damn if it wasn’t highlighted in all its glory through the leggings. One pair after another, I became more discouraged at how poorly all but one pair looked on me.
As it continued my body dysmorphia reared its nasty head. I turned ugly and fatter. My hair was hideous, my face rough and ugly, my wobbly bits increased in their unsightliness. I was in full judgment mode. I headed to Athleta. Obviously, they would be fine! They made my swimsuit of wonder! It turns out that’s the only thing they made for someone with a somewhat saggy bottom, all the rest was unwearable for me, even two sizes up, the material highlighted all flaws, and the super thin shirts did not help the situation. I left feeling like crap about myself. It didn’t help that I had tried on things for so long I was to the point of bursting.
I realize that this is in part my fault, carbohydrates bloating up my belly, but they definitely changed the quality of their clothes. I bought better ones at Whole Foods, they fit and have lasted for over a year. My problem is that I don’t have enough to work out 3x a week plus yoga and physical therapy. Though I’m not heading out to go try on more, that is not good for my psyche.
December will assuredly be the end of my excessive carb load. I know I know, it’s a cliche to start diet & fitness plans at the New Year, but I’m successfully rationalizing that away. I started working out again earlier in the month. It also feels like I’m getting back on the diet I’ve done before, not starting some new, likely to fail because I can’t handle it, type of eating plan.
I hope I can do it. Months ago I eased up on the no sugar, low grain, & high-fat diet because it was triggering thoughts much like those that prompted my eating disorder, but I’m in a better place now. All I need to do is ignore lithium carb cravings and attempt to work within my abilities, not pushing it too far. I can do that.. I hope.
Then I’ll go somewhere else for yoga pants.
End of Post Note: There is so much controversy at Lulu