I’m Tired (Journal Post)

Monday I was exhausted, yesterday upgraded to tired & dysregulated, and today brings more of the same. Miles & I talked for hours yesterday, sorting through causes, actions, and the like. During that time I was also texting my therapist asking for a bonus session. It’s was my first time asking for an extra appointment with him, which he said I could do anytime but I still had trouble with it. I hesitated and put some thought into making contact before I did because one of my rules for myself is that if I message, I meet. There’s no backing out if there’s a moment big enough to make me send the message that’s it. That’s the only option. It’s one of my safety rules. I’ve developed a good list over time.

I arrived at my appointment having just thrown up my breakfast, psychological cause or not, it hopped right out, and it felt just as crappy as when I have the flu. I walked in when it was ready and said to get ready, this is a new part of me. My therapist asked what was going on. I told him of my energy levels, feeling of dysphoria, cravings of the sort that only me in episode craves. Eventually, I was in tears, thinking about the upcoming weeks with fear of possible mixed mania, speaking about how I’ve checked many of my warnings signs (Detail below). I didn’t they were warning signs until yesterday when the dysphoria punched me in the chest, and I panicked. 

It took me a minute because I’m currently medicated. Despite the lessons in books, articles, & studies, I didn’t fully internalize that episodes do happen with meds.  I mean, looking back, hearing from Miles’s observations on how I was acting, and realizing now, when it’s over, that I had all those little hypomanic feelings & thoughts, you just don’t think anything is wrong with you. Baking cookies for 10 hours straight one day and it wasn’t necessary? Yea, not fine. Now is when we realize that I was hypomanic for about 4 weeks back to a little before Christmas.  So now I’m paying attention, if the signs are right and dysphoric mania is about to hit, then I have to worry.  I’m also under orders to distract from the worry.

I expressed my fear and dread of an episode that I’m currently I’m getting the signs of, the ever disorientating and usually psychosis welcoming mixed-episode. I admitted that, despite years of using them somewhat effectively, I haven’t done ‘self-care’ in two years mostly due to the fact that a lot of self-care recommendations are something a child would enjoy. Senfi’s visit made that whole idea panicky. Now, the chance of my going back to it feels slim to none, even though I enjoyed those things just fine. We spoke of that too, why I cannot seem to get past that. An internal shame or the like is my guess, I don’t remember much of that part of the conversation. However, I do appreciate the Grace & Francie trailer my friend sent me. When Frankie says “Or maybe I’m acting like a grown ass woman who is living by her own rules” I sent that quote to my psych and he said it was exactly his point. Grace & Frankie is wonderful when I need to feel secure.

We talked about what to do and he started with the ways I’ve handled being in an episode before. I responded that my go-to was crying on the floor of a dark closet with a towel wrapped around me for the pressure. Taking that, he recommended doing proactive little things like curling up on a sofa and getting the pressure from the sides and other things, ones that make me feel protected and safe. In small doses, before I need them. I like the concept of using the acute coping mechanisms to allay the episode beast. So I’m going to try and hope for no zings up, down, or sideways. These are not something to be worn down to doing.

Current Weight Track: 180.7 -4.2

Side note: Examples of signs: Being easily overwhelmed, like someone saying hi. I become harshly critical of myself beyond reason. Feelings of dysregulation & minor psychosis enter the mix, with my skin feeling as if it’s in a constant state of flux. Another is panicking over little things, mixed-episode only brings up thoughts of BDSM & feeling a deep in the chest sexual need not just an up & ready libido and an overactive shame drive.

I wish I could get this need to be productive all the time, while not being hypomanic or manic.

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