The longing glances in the gym were on fire today. The woman desperately wanting, but having to resist the charms, the comfort, the solidity of the body composition scale machine. Three days ago on Sunday, I decided that I was no longer going to let an arbitrary number dictate my life. Yeah! you heard me, Mr. Scale! This bastard would no longer tell me how happy I should be, or how ashamed and miserable I should feel. The goal is to go for as long as I can manage it. Keep in mind, this is after a couple decades of hopping on the scale every morning, the occasional midday, and the known to happen the night before. I’m a scale addict, and now I have the mental DT’s.
The last three days have been filled with me following or trying to follow, my psychologist’s advice by speaking to myself internally in the manner I would do with my daughter. I’ve been overriding thoughts with little sayings to readjust my viewpoint. This morning’s was, “I’m not running to make the scale get lower, I’m running because it’s healthy.” Most of the little whispers of rearrangement are throughout the day, in little ways. I choose to eat or not to eat this based on my desire and need or not to feel healthy. As opposed to, “If I eat this it will probably raise my water weight but it’s likely fine, I just need to remember that this is what happened tomorrow when I weigh myself.’
“Tomorrow when I weigh myself.” I didn’t realize how common a refrain this was until I was no longer weighing myself every day. Things like: If I do this I’ll be allowed to be happy by Mr. Scale. or Well crap, time to dread tomorrow’s weigh in, I had a Swedish Fish from the lobby. Each morning I went to stand on the scale of how good or bad I was, find out, and then let that extrapolate to other areas of my life. A common practice and one beaten into our heads. The number, good or bad, can shift my entire mood based on something that fluctuates all by itself. Depending on the little black numbers. I could feel like absolute crap over a 0.5lb water gain from too much salt the day before. It’s not even fat, but it still affects my self-esteem and that goes for many of us.
In my experience, it starts when we align weight to outside goals or sense of self. If I were 20lbs lighter people would like me, I’d be popular, I’d fit in, I’d be better. Now, for me 20lbs down is a near impossibility without living with barbells next to my bed and a ketogenic diet, I’ve tried it. Now, see, why would/did I do that to myself? Many thrive on their physical fitness, loving to attend gyms, practice martial arts, dance, acrobatics, etc. I have many of these types of people in my life, and I love it for them and cheer them on. That level of nutrition & physical exertion brings them to a good place. The act itself makes them feel fulfilled, and that is awesome.
I am 80% sure I will not be fighting in the zombie apocalypse any time soon, but the fantasies are there, not a reason to go ham at the gym. I’m also past the dreaded 35 (dancer retirement age), but I love to dance. I spent years when I was young in ballet, jazz/broadway, & tap. I used to teach swing with a group in college, but an obstacle course has ensured that I could not sustain going full in anymore. I’m not in Cirque or and I’ve not auditioned to jump on screen in a movie. There is entirely no reason why I should be down on myself for not having 8 pack or a body fat percentage over 18. I have to tell myself this over and over, but it’s a process, and I’m only on day 3.
However, I can keep myself in good condition to my requirements. This is my current project. Hannah is 80ish lbs, I need to be able to carry her to bed as she loves and sometimes may need to grab her out of a dangerous situation. That’s strength & resistance. I need to squeeze into certain areas of the house/car/play area, there’s my size limit. Well, that and my clothes only stretch so big. I have some injuries, that’s PT. I have genetic propensities, there’s my health target. I want to be in a place where I think I look good and not from extreme dieting. I’ll figure it out at some point.
Today I was successful in not weighing myself at the gym, despite that sexy beast’s sultry whispers from across the gym. Thankfully I had gone with my standing gym date for Wednesday mornings and she was complaining about the inbody when we were in the area so I could just say “OK We shouldn’t do it together!” I’m not sure if she was speaking the truth or subtly supporting, but it worked. At least I have you my Vivofit with HRV, sleep, stress, & other measuring numbers that light up my life. Give me those lovely little metrics all day long… I can quit when I want to. 😉
Note: Miles makes a point that 1. he doesn’t care what size I am, it’s always good, 2. I take a lot of drugs that cause weight gain, and 3. My body is well within norms, I’m just big. Just like my mini twin, my solid, way too tall, Hannah. What would I say to her? 😉
Kitchen Tip: You can have fun with your kitchen tools, especially if you order from Japan. It’s important to use care with novelty kitchen items, they may not be as durable as you’d like. The cheap plastic cutting boards (fish) aren’t to be used with anything that can get dangerous, raw fish, meats, etc. even a butter knife with put a slice in that can gather bacteria. Used appropriately, they can cheer up your time in the kitchen.
Centers for Disease Control – Full Quote
Body Mass Index (BMI) is a person’s weight in kilograms divided by the square of height in meters. A high BMI can be an indicator of high body fatness. BMI … is not diagnostic of the body fatness or health of an individual.