The Cheat Days are Missing!

I was at the Taiyaki stand, ready for my weekly custard fish, plus bonus fish! Hannah’s gone for the weekend with her grandparents! It’s always been the cheat weekend over the last two years of our super diet, lifestyle change, but the excitement is gone. It’s not special, I will have no extra pleasure in eating what I’ve missed. I have not deprived enough for the extra good taste.

I’ve been on countless diets over the years, all but three offering a cheat day. To be fair one was also the movie box of Junior Mints a day and all the diet coke I could stand, no cheat needed. Let’s see, in middle school, I enjoyed Weight Watchers & NutriSystem, and college was the movie box of Junior Mints deal, I wanted more food. I still want more food.

As an adult I got smarter, calories, then macros, followed by training for fun runs and eating ‘runner food’, and finally our Wild Diet offshoot of 50% Fat, only sprouted grains, and <25g sugar a day (no sweeteners). I have done cheat days with every single one of these and they were amazing. Miles had started the final diet, losing 60lbs in just under three months. It took about 6 months for me to get on board, after his mother lost 25lbs in 5 weeks, after breast cancer and the weight she couldn’t lose since then. I think that knocked my thyroid cortisol excuse right out.

I think I’d die.

A month before my brother’s wedding I decided to go on it too, and I’m telling you right now, sugar is a drug. The withdrawals suck, part of the reason I still haven’t jumped back in, they suck for weeks. After about the third week we can do a cheat day, which magically turned into the cheat weekend. when Hannah stays with her grandparents. I loved cheat days, we were pigs, but neither of us got too sugary. Once your palate changes the super sweet treats are gross, but that didn’t mean we didn’t take the days seriously. I loved doing it with him as well, we had a lot of pleasurable weekends at that time. Oh, the avalanche of food that didn’t even trigger ED thoughts! Happy! Dance!

Now it’s a different story. As my lithium went up, my diet fell apart gradually, but steadily. September through my deliberate cheat December I still took big food days, but my other 6 were not perfect, and I gained about 6lbs. Then came the Preparation The weekend before New Years where I managed to gain 10lbs in 3 days that, as of my long ago (5 days) scale check, did not drop off quickly like I thought it would, based on my previous experiences of losing at least 4lbs each in the first few weeks. Discouraged and dealing with this new dose of the max Lithium, I fell into my new hybrid diet. Which includes daily two bite brownies from Whole Foods.  That should probably stop.

I don’t remember a time in my life where I ate healthfully without being on some sort of dietary program. I mean, I have a spreadsheet with three years of weight data including graphs, I don’t do ‘open in moderation’ very well, I follow strict rules more easily. Like many I imagine. Instead of treating this as a dilemma I’m trying to make it a learning experience to go along with my scale-free journey, making the right choices daily, even if I want to eat everything in site and feel it like a need. I have a solid base, but my addiction to sugar is back. Part of me wishes my brain would kick up the hypomania so I could do this with ease until the worst of it has passed. You can do it brain!

No extras today 🙂

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