I have my head

It’s been 2.5 weeks since I regained my head. Meaning, 2.5 weeks 100% episode free. This has not been my experience for years and it’s one I’ve been protecting, hence no blog posts. There are parts of my mind that worry if I enter into my mental health parts of life it could reignite all of it. I didn’t want to post, research, track my life beyond the clue app, all the things I’ve felt were required to do to keep the episode at bay. I suppose that need translated into my current fears. However, I love posting on here, so I’m doing a small tester.

Sitting in Balance (Faith Dickey)

It’s not been all celebrations of no episode time. Apparently, this is the time where I’m noticing and feeling all the things I didn’t before it cleared, and it’s not been pretty. Literally. I wasn’t taking as good of care of myself as I should. My skin is rough. I got chubbier, adding on 20lbs to my base weight since started no sugar a few years ago, thankfully I’m tall, but I don’t like looking or feeling this way. I am no longer scale-free. I’m wasn’t ready for the extra control it would take. Then you add in the fact that I have lithium-induced cystic acne behind my ears in a smile under my jaw that no one can figure out how to treat, and you have a not so pretty picture.

On the good side, I’m better able to handle my life. My emotions aren’t throwing me from side to side and up and down on a roller coaster of their devising. No euphoria in response to stories or music, and no despair either. I feel dull compared to the me that took up 90% of the last three years. Regardless, I’m happy to be out of it, even if I miss parts that made my life experience amplified. Let’s see how long it lasts.

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